The only touching moment in Gigli

It’s a shame nowadays that cinemas cost so much to buy a tub of popcorn and soft drink. Sneaking food in from the supermarket’s always risky, and if you do sneak in that packet of crisps, how can you keep quiet from the constant crunching of the bag and mouth?

Home theatres solve this problem. While even with the massive screens we get the feeling isn’t the same, it’s a lot more relaxed. It’s also good to know the pause button is handy for when toilet breaks cannot wait.

What I’ve found however is the lead-up to a night in has certain planning. The video store visit took about half an hour, and your stomach begins to rumble. This scenario isn’t rare, but there are some key elements to consider about what you should eat when watching those DVDs.

Think of it like matching wine to a meal. Red wine for meat, white for fish, none for minors. There’s a science to it. Luckily I’ve got a major in Filmoodology.

It's almost finished anyway...

Genres:

• Drama

Let’s face the facts. If you’ve actively hired a drama, you’re looking for a sob. You’ve got your box of tissues, your loved one is nowhere to be seen, and you’re just not in the mood for anything else. It’s a void most fall into, but come on! ‘P.S. I Love You’ isn’t supposed to make you smile.

Food of choice:
Ice-cream (Bowl or tub, depending on amount of emotional satisfaction gained from consumption)

• Comedy
  

  Oh Spongebob...

Good ol’ comedy. It’s a genre that contains irony at every corner. What you find funny might not cause a single chuckle to your friend. What you despise might be the funniest thing to your friends, and watching them becomes the real comedy. In the end, it doesn’t matter because you’ll either be chomping away nervously waiting for a decent joke to pop up not realising you’re chewing away at the cardboard biscuit box until you’ve reached the barcode, or you’ll be laughing so hard you’ll have no time to chew.

Food of choice:
Popcorn (For those who will definitely laugh at the film)
Biscuits (For those trying to find some satisfaction while watching low-brow humour)

• TV Series
  

  Look! I'm Samantha too!

Seasons upon seasons of television shows have become so easily available that most nights watching can turn into marathons. The worry of waiting a whole week for another episode is gone, so the show can go on. TV series come in all shapes and sizes, so it’s best to match according to the style.

Food of choice:
Bagel and cocktail (Sex and the City)
Pizza (The Sopranos)
Roast dinner (Antique/Collection-related Roadshow)
Spare RAM (The I.T. Crowd)
Two double-stuffed Oreos stuck together, sandwiched with wasabi and a habanero chili (Jackass-style shows)

• Music


Brie ruins Coltrane

Devoted music lovers with the best in sound equipment will absorb themselves in the music that inspires them so powerfully. From the soft strings of a quartet to the thrashings of a double-kick drum solo, the only way to immerse yourself with the music is to follow stereotype.

Food of choice:
Red wine and various types of cheese (Jazz DVDs)
A lot of lager (Heavy Metal)

• Performing Arts

This category is similar to action, but most of the time Performing Arts DVDs are for performers. Talk about how tough the industry is, but sip on a good bottle of bubbly to celebrate your status in the art world. You’ve earned it (at least you think so).

Food of choice:
Champagne (Nor shaken or stirred)

• Action


That should be enough

Someone on screen is jumping over cars, leaping on to helicopters and shooting everyone sideways. The action hero is pumped and overly athletic. You’re not going to be that fit, so you can scoop up guilty pleasures smothered in oil without the full guilt of being to handle a double back-flip off of a building into a moving car.

Food of choice:
Deep fried chicken and chips (Any Michael Bay film)
Deep fried chocolate bar (Any Guy Ritchie film)

• Documentary

Whether you’re watching a biased version of a historical event, or a completely factual nature show, it’s best to eat something light and healthy because the end of documentaries usually point the finger at you to be nicer/lose weight/hug someone/go for a run.

Food of choice:
Salad (Food-related documentary)

"Look what I can do!"

• Cooking

You poor thing, you’re salivating on to your shirt again. Cooking shows are the ultimate dilemma! Watching a show about how wonderful a dish is, without getting a free sample, is almost like having a commercial for the “Best product ever!” but never saying the name. Pointless. All you’re heading towards is disappointment. The handy thing is while you’re listening about how Khanom chin (rice noodles) are made, in two minutes you can whip up…

Food of choice:
Ramen noodles

Now with flavour

• Fantasy / Sci-Fi

If you’re a die-hard fan, you could be the type who loves to absorb themselves in the TV show with friends. Certain drinks and food featured in the show can now be on the menu.

Food of choice:
Any food you can cook (Chili = Bachelor Chow from ‘Futurama’, ice-cream shaped like a baseball on a string = Ice planets from ‘Firefly’)
Any drinks you can make (Caramel coffee and butterscotch schnapps = Butterbeer from the Harry Potter series)

• Crime
  

  *Gasp* Ninjas! Who saw that coming?

Sometimes gritty, sometimes witty, but almost always with the bad guys behind bars. Trust is rare, so it’s best to have something to eat that doesn’t open yourself up to offer to others. Sure, they MIGHT say they’ll pay you back, but if the woman on-screen lied to avoid jail-time, then how can you trust someone with confectionery. No multi-packs, no chocolates or lollies that can be handed out, and no IOU’s.

Food of choice:
Any food in single serve size (“Look, it’s for one, not two. Get your own!”)

• Mystery

The problem with mysteries is most of the time you can predict what’s about to happen before it does. Because of our instinctive judgement skills, it’s best to find alternate sources of surprise. So why not have an assortment of chocolates to get you guessing at every bite? What’s inside this one, almond or strawberry? One way to find out…

Food of choice:
Box of chocolates (You never know what you’re gonna get, unless you check the list)

"THE HORROR! THE HORROR!"

• Horror

It’s funny with horror films, because there are different reactions towards this genre. The classic horror buff whose knowledge of the genre would make Jamie Kennedy’s character from Scream seem like an amateur wouldn’t flinch at the sight of people’s limbs being cut off. Others would feel so queasy after getting a paper cut and seeing a trickle of red. Eat accordingly.

Food of choice:
Meatlovers pizza (Film buff)
Nothing (Scaredy cat)

• Sport

"Bro, the Saints were down by four at half-time."

Chances are it you’re watching sports, you’re in a room full of other sports fans, all yapping away at your knowledge of Zidane’s total goal history or Bryant’s NBA awards by the date, and what he said at the acceptance speech.
You’re not going to worry what fills your gullet as you bark out more directions than the coach ever did. Cook up a feast timed correctly, and let it all sit at the table as friend gorge and insult your ignorance on Ronaldinho’s favourite restaurant.

Food of choice:
Hamburgers and hot dogs (Anything to give your heart more reason to thump, other than the intensity of the game of course)
Beer (By the keg. None of this six-pack rubbish)

• Adult Entertainment

You slob, how could you be eating when someone is putting the time and effort into entertaining you personally? Well if the strip clubs didn’t sell chicken wings, then maybe eating chicken wings while watching this material would be inappropriate.

Holding regret

Food of choice:
Buffalo wings (Alone)
Chocolate body paint, strawberries and whipped cream (That special someone who suggested watching, or was coerced into it by you)
Bananas, melons, cucumbers, carrots (Very alone)

• 3AM Infomercials

You’re already munching on a kebab. Go to bed.

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