Seems all like a dream...

Romantic comedies are ruining society. It’s official, because a study was conducted revealing just that. No longer will boyfriends need to feel wrong by yelling at the screen whenever the male lead chases after the girl after almost 2 hours of unrealistic flirting and “gets the girl”.

Let’s face the facts people, life is not a romantic comedy. Films are for an escape from reality, but just as we don’t expect Death Eaters and wizards to suddenly appear in our world, we shouldn’t be expecting a plethora of Hugh Grants to chatter away at coffee shops.

According to the study ironically conducted for the release of the ‘Valentines Day’ DVD, one in four people said they felt like they were expected to know what their partner was thinking at any given time. One in five claimed movies made partners expect gifts, just because.

Relationships have been brought up to be beautiful and delicate, and the happily ever after moment is inevitable. I always love a scripted piece of mush. It means I can go hungry vulture all over it.

I have collected some of the biggest of cinema scenarios to give you…

What Would Really Happen

Try getting through those buggers.

Chasing after girl at airport – I’m sure scriptwriters, producers and directors have all flown on an plane once in their lives, and been asked to produce an actual ticket in order to pass through the gates. National flights may differ slightly, but in most films these protocols called ‘security’ seem to be skipped from the final script when the clumsy guy finally realises his true love was right in front of him, and his final attempt to get her is only pushing and shoving past others to get to her. Expect to be thoroughly searched by security just long enough to limp over to the window showing a plane in the air heading to a destination that you are nowhere near. Or worse, being tackled to the ground and pummelled to the ground, body tasered, face swollen and mouth drooling like the first Rocky movie. Well, at least one guy actually made it.

While she’s at work – Most establishments do not allow outsiders to storm in, let alone someone that is romantically involved with one of their employees. The man breaches those boardroom doors to see the startled girl, giving off the most evil of glances. Did you win her heart? Nope, but you did risk your girl’s career after exposing the board members just how unstable her private life is. Politeness seems to be an important thing in meetings these days.

Elaborate setup – She first kissed you at the cinema, so why not pay the guy who works the projector to stop the film while she’s inside to pronounce your love for her? Seems perfect, right? But you fail to realise how cinemas work, or how $2,000 worth of upset movie-goers are produced once the lights dim back up, and the man responsible is you. Your girlfriend will pretend you don’t exist in fear of being humiliated in front of an angry mob.

Public proposal – Maybe the pressure of the public can encourage a person to sing at Karaoke, or chug a whole red plastic cup of beer, but it doesn’t work so well for other things. Tom Green found this out when proposing to Drew Barrymore at the end of Saturday Night Live, and being rejected. Ouch!

At the front door on Christmas Day – The woman in question has obviously been upset with everything that has happened with douchebag you, and decided to surround herself with close family and friends. Your calls on her home and mobile phone have been ignored, and as a last attempt of winning her heart back, a hard knock on her door produces an agitated family member, who after hearing about you and how you handled things, decides not only to provide you with a negative response, but with a positive amount of physical force to the nose. Merry Christmas, Scrooge.

3rd Rock from the Sun just doesn't do Gordon-Levitt justice.

It was you all along – That beautiful card that you wrote declaring everything you felt for her wasn’t read before she gave you an absolute thrashing vocally. Finding this conveniently at the edge of her bed, she reads, realises her mistake, and instead of calling back to tell you that indeed she feels that way too, she’s too overcome with embarrassment, and decides to move on. Sometimes we miss those cute notes left in seemingly obvious spots. Huh…should’ve told her to read the card first, huh?

Think I’m trying to crush every ounce of romance? You bet I am! When all’s pummelled to a fine pulp, then we can start seeing how relationships ought to end, or rebuild. I once believed in the tooth fairy, but when I found out she wasn’t actually in the FTU (Fairy Tale Union), I knew my teeth weren’t going to the Tooth Kingdom to help solve the world’s dental problems.

Sometimes we just have to wake up, and smell the flowers of bitterness.

Or not! Go watch 500 Days of Summer. That’s actually good. Doogs’ Stamp of Rare Approval.

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